A friend recently told me how she was so proud of me for showing such strength in recent times. She’s right in that i have been strong and I am also proud of myself but what she doesn’t know is that through-out that time i was expressing such obvious weakness too.
Now i’m not someone who shys away from showing my inability to cope and vulnerability at all but when i’m with the people who are closest to me it’s easier to hide it all away and hold things together. So whilst i was strong, she was just one amazing element contributing to that strength and i will forever be thankful to her for that.
Strength; the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor. Moral power, firmness, or courage.
Long drives to Manchester,
Lots of late nights,
Fun times in bed,
And lovely theatre dates.
Giggles and tickles,
And home cooked food,
A little John Mayer
To set the mood.
Drum and bass
And laughs with your mates,
Sebastien our friend, pair of pant,
And the pictures we’d send.
The comfort of
A big tee, Or
Nearly missing a flight
And crying hysterically.
A first kiss (drunk)
And in Jenx,
For the drinks, your student loan
We give thanks.
All the times with your guitar,
You’d sing and play.
That time in your shoe cupboard;
I’ll never look at it the same way.
Having your back,
And you having mine,
All of these
Were such good times.
Making food, Making love,
Please promise that you won’t
Ever forget these…
Life is like walking down the street at night. You walk alone on a cold, hard pavement but ever so often you see the light. You can see where the shadows are hidden, lurking under the blanket of darkness and we are blinded by the promise of brighter things.
As brutal as that metaphor is, it is beautiful in it’s truth. We do walk alone. And as much as we try to fool ourselves into thinking otherwise, the darkness is something which surrounds our lives in entirety.
Life is shit, yes. But it is how we deal with such shit that determines how much we will enjoy and receive as a reward from our journey along this solitude path.
If we think that there is always something better and brighter waiting for us under the next streetlight or turn in the road then we will forget to enjoy the now.
We will forget to bathe in the rarity that is light and clarity and take opportunities as they arise.
Once we accept that our life is namely one which we live for ourselves alone, then we can begin to expand and stretch ourselves to be content with the life we have led and any progress we make in turn.
If you live for someone else, for their pleasure, or anything else then we will not be truly satisfied with our own needs and desires when that person is gone.
The hardest part of growing up is learning to live with terrible mistakes and bad decisions. And letting people go. If i had it my way, those who i truly care about would stay with me throughout my life, but this, very unfortunately is never the case.
It’s a first. The first time that i felt truly understood. Like someone looked into my eyes and knew every inch of what i was thinking and feeling. Every secret and flaw. And they didnt care. That has to be the most freeing thing i’ve ever experienced and something that i dont ever anticipate most people would ever have the pleasure of feeling.
What a lucky human being i am.
..that you know you need to talk to someone, or even just write it down to feel better.
Thing is, what i wanna say is pretty difficult. I know what i want and what i don’t but not knowing what someone else wants is the hardest thing to deal with.
Work has been so manic the past 3 weeks and i’m literally about to give up. I enjoy it, but i don’t take it seriously - it’s not what i wanna do full-time in my life. Working 6 full days a week is such a hassel and then i spend my day off doing not-a-lot.
I miss my friends like crazy. Not being able to pop round for a brew and a catch-up is literally killing me - and at christmas when they’re all home, i’m heading off out the country.
I really feel like time is escaping me. Where has the past two years gone? Where has the past month gone?
Overall, there are alot of things i wanna change. If you cannot love yourself and if you aren’t happy then you will have a challenge on your hands loving someone else and making them happy. And ultimately, that’s the only thing keeping me going right now is knowing i have Danny there for me.
Time to pull my socks up, knuckle down and think of why i am doing this in the first place!
I wish… that i was one of those people who could just have no conscience about anything, and be okay with whatever happened. Why do damn emotions have to get in the way of life?
I wish i was content with everything right now.
I wish i had the courage and guts to change the things i wasn’t content with.
I wish i was more like the old me; stronger, more head strong and most of all passionate about the things i love.
Where did that person go?
I tend to find that when i’m at work and when it’s sunny i’m awake. well, more awake than when it’s dark and dull. but then at home, i find myself sleeping the days away and staying up until ridiculous ungodly hours..
why do i do this?
i severly believe i’ve got a deathy deficiency of vitamin B.. c’mon sun!!
On a more exciting note, it is my birthday this weekend, along with valentines day which is all rather exciting indeed. I am looking very much forward to actually seeing this show that i was meant to see last week, however a certain someone who was adamant it was absolutely necessary to update his i-phone before the show delayed us enough to miss the damn thing.
He’s fortunate i can laugh about it.. :)
Wake me up by slamming my lightswitch on and screaming my name and yes, the reaction you get will involve some rather brash words.
However, when i ask if i can use the shower i expect a more reasonable reaction, for example, ”Yes, of course, i’ll get in the bath later..’ or even ”Well no, not really, it’s almost full”.
But no. Tell me to move out, tell me i’m ungrateful, heck, why not even slap me across the face because all of those reactions are pathetically unreasonable.
I love my family.
On a brighter note and besides all that sillyness, what a lovely evening i have had.
I should really kick myself up the bum and do some work though as it’s not going to do itself and it’s a saddening but true fact that the drama schools will not just ring me up and give me a place on their course.
They should do though.
Properly am just wanting to fast-track past all the hard work and effort i need to put in to a point in my life where i can sleep in until whatever time i like and not have to rush around or suffer from sleep deprivation.
Does anyone know where i can buy a turtle?